I’m not scared of getting hurt. I’m scared of getting hurt the same way.

 

Everyone you ever meet in your life comes with a degree of emotional baggage. Especially when they had been hurt countless times before you even met them. They have their weak spots, they sometimes break down and cry, they doubt themselves and they wonder if anything will ever feel normal again.

But they’re not broken. They haven’t got a void to fill. They aren’t waiting for a knight in shining armour to come and save them. Because they don’t need to be saved. They show weakness from time to time. And that’s mostly because they simply feel too much. But they are probably some of the strongest people you will ever get to meet in your life.

They are also the same people you have spent your time with for the past couple of months. The bubbly person who made you coffee the first morning you spent together? The girl who was thrilled to shoot some hoops together on a Saturday afternoon? The person you spent time chatting about coffee, tattoos and family with? The optimistic girl who didn’t care that you were grumpy all the time? They’re all one and the same person.

All anybody ever wants is a chance.

(…)

“I’m not the same person I was a couple of years ago. I definitely stand up for myself much more now. I don’t feel guilty anymore for expecting to be a priority in people’s lives and I’m not afraid to leave and start all over again if I’m not.”

Because that’s the least that I deserve.

I get hurt. Often. And I suffer a lot. But at the end of the day, no matter what, I get up. Hopeful that one day I won’t simply get to pick up the broken pieces off the ground, but build up something wonderful with them.

How to break someone’s heart in less than 2 months

Meet her when she’s at her lowest and the loneliest she’s been in a long time. Make her think she’s the most wonderful thing you’ve met in years. Make her believe that all the pain and suffering she’s been going through in the last few years of her life all make sense now. Because she’s finally met you. Crumble the high walls around her one by one and make her believe in love and affection again. Make her believe it’s okay to be vulnerable and let yourself feel. Spend time making future plans with her. But most of all, tell her everything that’s on your heart:

“I can’t believe how big an effect you are having on me after such a short amount of time. But I love it and absolutely can’t wait to see more and do more with you. You fascinate me, you interest me, you excite me and you make me feel renewed and it is like a breath of fresh air. It is such a wonderful feeling.”

“You’re making me smile far too much. I’ve been thinking about you all day.”

“You are so beautiful. (…) I honestly wish you all the success and happiness in the world for 2018! And I hope we can share some amazing memories together. (…) I have a great feeling about 2018 because I’ve met you and you are phenomenal and you make me feel alive.”

“Andra, I love this. You’ve honestly rekindled something in me. And it’s an absolutely awesome feeling.”

“Andra, vreau sa fii langa mine. (…) Sorry, wanted to try Romanian and thought I’d start with what I feel and want.”

“And I hope you don’t mind, but I’d very much like to spend more time with you in the future.”

“Thank you for writing to me today. And making me feel wonderful on the inside. (…) I want to thank you though. And I will keep thanking you because it’s lovely to have such a rapport with you.”

“I daren’t say anything more on this because I don’t want it to disappear and I’m afraid it might…but that is really precious. Andra, please know that I want to explore it further with you.”

“So I’ve been writing and then deleting everything I put for the past 5 minutes because I am scared it won’t do justice. But I’m just gonna go with it anyway.

I love how you’ve opened my eyes up to what was in front of me all along. I love your smile and have done since I first saw it. I find our conversations are great and I enjoy just listening to you tell me about things. I find stories about your home absolutely fascinating and I want to visit it desperately, I want to live what you have in that respect. I have enjoyed finding out things about myself from you which is mad but I hope you can understand that. And I love that although we’ve only spent a relatively short time together I feel like I’m opening the first page of a really amazing book. And I don’t think I can sum up how I feel any better than the very real and physical sensation I was experiencing just by being with you. The permanent smile. The backflips in my stomach. The happiness just radiated.

So yes, if you’re wondering why I don’t want to say anything it’s because those feelings are awesome and I just want to live it with you. (…)

I wanted to tell you, not because I’m suddenly going to change how I am around you, but because I wanted to make you aware of how happy speaking to you, seeing you and being around you is making me right now.”

“I just want to experience more and more. And believe me when I say I am the lucky one. You are so fascinating and complex and rich in life it’s wonderful to see.”

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.
.

Then turn around one day and tell her you…”can’t commit to anything or anyone until I know where I’m going and what I’m doing. (…) I get a feeling you are looking for a relationship and unfortunately that is something I cannot offer you.”

Tell her you’re not emotionally available. That your walls are high and that you have a feeling she’s more involved than you are. That things have been moving too quickly. And that you haven’t left yourself get too involved or thought too much about the future.

.
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Then proceed to see her crumble. And wonder whether she can believe in words or trust anyone again. Wonder how many more times she’ll be able to pick herself back up again.

2 years

Because, when the end comes, nothing really matters.

The mornings when you waited for him with a cup of tea and the breakfast carefully laid out on your nicest plates.

That time when you ran in the rain to buy him bread because he wasn’t feeling well.

The note you left at the bottom of the lunch you packed for him.

The coffees you left out for him in the morning, with a square of his favourite white chocolate.

The picnics you prepared for him in the living room.

There are letters full of loving words, photos on the wall, plans for a future in a sunny place.

But when the end comes, none of these matter.

 

 

The day before 26

She spent her 22nd in a coffee shop, next to a window, watching the world go by. She associated the feeling of loneliness with being stuck in a cold and grey city.

But the feeling never went way.

It was the day before she turned 26 when she realised it had nothing to do with the colour of the city she was living in.

They had all been sad. Some more hopeful than others, true. But sad in their own way.

Maybe 27 will be different.

Mind the gap

…and maybe one day I will step off the train and there will be someone waiting on the platform.

Yesterday wasn’t the day.

Prins

“The engineer felt the need to speak to her. To ask her questions. But he was afraid it would be ordinary things he would tell her. How on earth to be original when in love? It’s only well known and very old things you can say in such context.” 

Favourite snippet of ‘Prins’ by Petru Popescu

” Pentru femeia pe care am crezut ca n-o voi intalni niciodata”

“As mentioned, here’s a short letter to say hi, and to remind you that I am sat/stood/lying somewhere and very likely thinking of you. Electronic messages do a poor job of conveying sincerity, and phone calls can be tricky interactions.

So yes, here’s a letter and I hope it brings a smile to your face.”

Rereading paragraphs of the letters she had received throughout the months was what kept her sane.

Regret

If there is one thing in life I’m absolutely terrified of, that’s regret. The regret I lost what could have been the best thing in my life or that I didn’t do everything I could have to make it happen.

Things you’ll never know (III)

There are so many things I wanted to say to you. But I never got the chance to meet you.

I wanted to tell you I would love to pack you lunch every single day. I would carefully cut your sandwich just the way you like it (in half, but not in triangles) and put it in a silver lunch tin (the one I would have got for your birthday). I wouldn’t pack any dessert because I know you’re not the biggest fan of sweets, but I would sometimes leave a note at the bottom of the tin.

I wouldn’t get upset if at the end of a work day you would come home and throw your clothes on the floor. I would carefully pick them up and put some fresh ones on the bed while you were in the shower.

If ever you had a bad day, I would wait for you with a chilled bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and just listen. Or pour you a glass of wine and let you snooze on the couch while I cooked dinner.

We would sleep in every Sunday, get takeaway coffees and drink them in the park while people (and pigeon) watching, our favourite weekend activity.

We would very rarely go shopping and even when we did, we would spend the entire time brushing shoulders, hiding in the fitting rooms and giggling about things that only made sense to us.

Every Monday after work, we would go straight to our local pub, drink beer and eat crisps instead of a real dinner. We would always sit outside and watch the world go by.

We would walk past abandoned buildings and you would always tell me you saw someone at the window. It would freak me out and you would laugh and love every single second of it.

We would often fight and I would get upset and sad, but you would always manage to say something silly and make me laugh. And that would make all the sadness go away.

Kindness