Letting go

I used to think I knew everything that had the potential to make me happy. The type of people I would love to be surrounded by. What would make me giddy, what would make me want to squeeze someone’s hand, what would make me feel grateful.

Funny enough, none of those things actually made me feel the way I’ve always imagined they would. And even if they did make me feel anything at all, it was, ironically, exactly the opposite of what I expected.

The attention made me anxious, the flowers only decorated someone else’s kitchen, the gifts overwhelmed me and the restaurant meals tasted artificial. Car rides made me dizzy and having the door opened for me made me feel uncomfortable. The more I tried to convince myself I had everything I’ve ever wished for, the unhappier I was.

Today I’m trying to let go. Let go of high expectations, standards and definitions. As long as it makes me feel something, I’m taking everything the way it comes. And I know that might sometimes be a bite of a cheap cheesy pie instead of a medium rare stake or even a hug in the bus station as opposed to holding hands while looking at the sea. Whatever works for the time being. 


~ by Andra on 20/06/2013.

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