Thursday Thoughts

And it finally all made sense. The reason I keep reaching for things I’ll never have access to. The reason I choose to fight for the ones who will never have enough room on their couch for me. The reason I choose to feel so much for the people who will maybe smile at me on the street but never remember my name.  

Paradoxically, it’s a matter of control. A matter of certainty. Because if it only exists in my head, nothing from the outside can influence its outcome in any way.

You could turn out to be exactly the opposite of the person I’ve always imagined you to be. You could even not like coffee or, God forbid, dislike wine. And there’s also this unexplained fear. And doubt, so much doubt. Lack of self confidence? The fear of not being good enough? (what the hell does ‘good’ even mean?) Definitely. Because if things were real, you might wake up one morning and not like the way I pronounce your name anymore. The way I pull my hair back the second I get home. Or the fact that I smoke a bit too much whenever I’m drinking.

I guess not knowing each other spares us the disappointment.

Which is why I keep reaching for the unreachable. Desiring the unattainable. Because I fear myself more than anything else. And the idea of actually getting something in return scares the shit out of me.

~ by Andra on 23/05/2013.

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