Things you’ll never know (II)

There are days when I think about you and envy the fact you’ve been with someone for such a long time. And I absolutely hate you for that. I hate you for having felt the warmth of someone else in the bed for so many years, for having built so many indestructible memories together, for having had the chance to get to know someone inside out. Those are the days when I think that’s exactly what happiness and truly loving someone look like.

But there are also that other type of days when I think about you and it’s a certain type of pity that I feel. I don’t envy you anymore, as I realize I know nothing about you. I don’t know whether you’ve been falling asleep hugged tightly or you’ve been spending some of your nights on the couch. I don’t know whether she makes you coffee in the morning or leaves you notes on the fridge. Those are the days when I imagine it’s a little bit sad to have been with someone for so many years. To have known nothing else. To have nothing to compare it against. Maybe it is love what you’re feeling. But what if it’s just some sort of affection? What if you’re meant to be giving so much more and you just don’t know it? What if you’re just settling for ‘good enough’ instead of ‘great’? I often wonder how it feels like seeing someone smile at you and then waking up asking yourself questions about that someone and wishing you knew more. Do you feel any kind of guilt? Does that curiosity sting? Do those questions haunt you if you leave them unanswered? Or maybe this is really just me. Maybe no one ever really gives that look a second thought.

I guess in the end it’s just love we’re all looking for. Or heck knows, maybe just a little bit of that affection. So why on earth would you risk losing any of it when you’ve already got it? I don’t know. I really don’t. Maybe I sometimes wish for it, but I’m not that sure I would do anything about it either. 


~ by Andra on 08/04/2013.

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