Insecurity and future outlines

I’ve always imagined the last few years were going to be a bit more different than they actually were. All those stereotypical ideas about life at university, yes, those were the images I pictured myself in. I wanted a bit of insanity, a bit of foolishness and indulgence. I just wanted a bit of the things I never had the chance to taste in the past. Well, life didn’t bring any of those. In fact, if anything, I’ve become more rigid, more serious and less fun to be around. And I realised I was headed that direction every single step of the way. The reason I didn’t do anything about it? Still trying to figure that out.

This is not to say I’ve been having such a terrible life or that I’m ungrateful in any way. I could actually write down a never-ending list with things I am more than thankful for. This is just to say the life I pictured for myself five years ago doesn’t resemble at all to the one I’m currently living.

I guess the only time I got the insanity and foolishness I so badly wished for was when I suddenly woke up on Dutch ground. Five moths of the pure craziness I imagined my life would one day be, yes,  those were the instants I found my happy self. Weird enough though, those days were also one of the darkest I’ve ever lived. Funny how much of a paradox this life can be.

Outside of those five Dutch months though, nothing got my heart rate up too often. There was work, there were uni classes, there were training sessions, but above all, there were all those health problems that brought me down again and again. The same ones which still hang about even to this day. They’re not just physically challenging, they’re mentally draining. Life at 20 shouldn’t be filled to the rim with knowledge of every single type of painkiller on the market, the same like my Saturday evening shouldn’t be spent in bed because of some spasms of pain that have kept reoccurring years after they first started.

There are also all these people I just cannot identify myself with. And they’re most probably one of the reasons I’ve locked myself in this world of mine. Because they were never part of the picture I’ve outlined for future.

At the end of the day, it’s insecurity that it all turn into.


~ de Andra pe 29/09/2012.

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